A Pony Named Tony

Question: Who was one of your most memorable pets?

Over the years I’ve enjoyed communing with many animals, a cat named Carol, a dog named Bootsie, a dog named Dust-Buster [Buster for short], another dog named Sam, a cow named Isabelle [named after my paternal grandmother], but I guess my favorite pet was my white Shetland pony named Tony. We grew up together. We played a fun game much like Cato and Clouseau of Pink Panther fame.

Tony tried to throw me when I least expected it. I always rode barefoot and bareback in those days. Tony would gallop as fast as he could and then put his head down between his front feet and stop abruptly. Other times he tried to rub me off by scrubbing the trees with his sides. Once he threw me off his back onto a rock the size of my Harley. That one put me off my feet for a couple of weeks.  I remember a particular time when Tony made a sharp left turn at full gallop. Horses can’t really do that and neither can Shetland ponies.  Tony fell, rolled, and slid until the inertia brought everything to a halt. Fortunately for me, I did not stay on Tony’s back that time. I could read his emotions and many of his thoughts by looking into his eyes. That escapade scared him. What a great pony. I still miss him.

 

A good Day

Another excessive post.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • Are you still imprisoned by your circumstances, or are you freed by your choices?
  • Were you able to use downward momentum to propel yourself in the opposite direction?
  • Have you chosen an optimistic explanatory style?

My Story

For those of you that know me, you know that I love riding two-wheelers.  I have a comfort bike that I pedal the dirt trials on, a road bike that I pedal on paved trails and roadways, and a Harley Touring bike that I ride to work every day and all across this country and Canada.  I love riding my motorcycle in to work in all-weather except ice and snow.

This morning, as usual, I rode my motorcycle in to work, listening to an audio book, feeling the breeze on my face, enjoying the delicious odors of the countryside, and sipping on my coffee.  However, unlike most days, my beloved Harley Ultra Limited motorcycle stopped shifting.  I’m half-way to work, and realize that no up-shifting is happening.  I limp it to Wolverine Harley and walk the rest of the way to work.  I could have been very unhappy about this event, but I am glad my shifter broke.

My optimistic style:

  1. I didn’t a crash because of this malfunction.
  2. I am not injured.
  3. I was able to still get to work, albeit slowly, but still on time.
  4. My motorcycle is at the dealership, so those two recalls can be completed.  They were minor, so I haven’t taken the bike out of service for them. Now that the bike is out of service the recalls are getting done.
  5. My front tire recently developed a bad spot caused by road hazard, and needed to be taken care of anyway.
  6. My motorcycle did not have to be towed.
  7. The repairs are still covered by the warranty, yeah. J
  8. In a day or two, I’ll have a new front tire and new shifter mechanism, and the recalls will be complete all without costing me much.

A positive way of looking at this situation made my day.

Have a fabulous day everyone.

A Technical Genius

Charlene, my boss said, “It’s virtuous to be able to control oneself and not necessarily speak badly of our clients.”  Charlene always used words like virtuous and stupendous.

“Super,” I said half-heartedly.  This is not the sort of thing I like to hear during my annual review.  Right now, I especially didn’t want to hear it because I deal almost daily with a dolt from another company.  Apparently, someone must have tipped off Charlene that I somewhat affectionately call Mr. Smith, our client; Mr. P-brain. I know that’s not right and I’ve tried to stop, but I’ve only succeeded in cutting down a bit.

I said, “That is a very tough thing to do on this particular project.”

“Why?” Charlene asked, “You’re a technical guy. Our client is a technical guy. Aren’t all technical guys alike?”

“No,” I protested, “Our client’s a perfect idiot.”

“Nobody’s perfect; especially an idiot,” said Charlene.

That’s how my review went last month, December 17th, to be exact.  So, I decided for one of my New Year’s resolutions; I will not be snarky to clients.

Today is January 15th and it started when Mr. Smith opened his laptop to look at his notes before screening the video.

“I can’t get my computer to connect to your WIFI,” said Mr. Smith.  “My computer screen goes blank when I try.”

I thought, your mental screen is blank.  Out loud I said, “I’ll get our tech support to give us a hand.”

Tech support found no issues; they just helped Mr. Smith log on.  We watched the videos to be sure they met our client’s expectations..

Mr. Smith stood up, and looked me in the eye.  I’m not saying he is short, because that is insensitive, but the top of his head was level with the top of my head ….while I was sitting.

“I like the videos you made, but we need to change a few things,” said Mr. Smith

“Sure, what do you want to change?”

“The part about the headlights,” said Mr. Smith “I don’t like the way the headlight switch rotates.”

I looked Mr. Smith in the eyes, but, there was nobody home. “That‘s how the headlights turn on,” I said in my best I don’t think you’re an idiot voice.  And then I mumbled, “Ignoramus.”

Mr. Smith said, “What did you say?”

I recovered quickly and said, “the switch is STAINLESS.”

“I know it’s stainless, and I know it works by rotating, but I don’t like it,” said Mr. Smith.

“Okay, I said,” still holding back. “We’ll give you a still shot of the headlight switch.”

“But,” said Mr. Smith “You have to show how it turns on.”

I asked for clarification, “So you want a video to show how to turn the headlight switch on by rotating the switch, without rotating the switch?”

“Now you got it.”

I wondered how to show how to operate a headlight switch without rotating the switch, when that is the only way it works. Reflecting on the conversation I had earlier with Charlene, I bit my tongue, but apparently not hard enough.

I said just a little too loud, “IMBECILE.”

Mr. Smith’s face turned red and he heatedly asked, “WHAT did you say?”

Nut’s I thought, in spite of my attempts to silence myself, everyone heard me call our client an imbecile. I hurriedly stated, “I said the switch is INTEGRAL.  Did you think I said something else?”

“Forget it,” said Mr. Smith, “I must be hearing things.”

“Okay,” I said, “I’d be happy to have the voice over talent rerecord and our video editors reedit the video, but I’m not sure exactly what you want.”

“You’ll think of something,” said Mr. Smith, “Oh, and I don’t like that car you used.”

My hands started to shake, my stomach felt queasy, and I’m sure my voice didn’t sound quite right, but I still didn’t call Mr. Smith an idiot. It was hard, but I refrained.

“You were on location when we shot this scene,” I said. “You picked out the car to shoot, and you watched us the whole time. What don’t you like about this car?”

“It’s the wrong car,” stated Mr. Smith.

At that point, in spite of my New Year’s resolution to be silent, and my duty to our client to be silent, I didn’t have the ability to remain silent and said, “The wrong car. REALLY? You had us shoot the wrong car? You IDIOT.”

The next day, during my exit interview, Shelly, our human resources gal asked, “Do you know why your employment with us is being terminated?”

“Yes,” I said, “It’s because I couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with idiot.”

Personal Stupidity

“You’re moving into a house with four women,” asked my brother? His eyebrow’s arched and met his receding, grey hair right at the widow’s peak.  Skeptical questions are his specialty.  He spent 25 years; working first as a narcotics cop, then as a motorcycle cop, a detective, and finally chief of police before he retired.  Now he’s a high school superintendent.  So, skeptical questions really are his specialty.

Obviously, I thought, his 25 years of apprehending the lowest dregs of humanity; drug dealers, murderer’s, and people stealing fast-food ketchup packages, hadn’t prepared him for the intense personal bravery needed to voluntarily move into a house inhabited by four women, and two neutered Norwegian forest cats.

My arm, wrapped around the waist of the friendly one, my fiancée named Terri, tightened and she slid a bit closer to me.  I wasn’t too worried, only three of the four women were hostile; but the cats were cool and didn’t say too much.

In spite of my brother’s reaction, I thought about how lucky I was.  My lovely fiancée, Terri, had brains and personality; albeit with three daughters, two neutered cats and a dilapidated house falling down around her ears.  Terri’s first husband, a brilliant architect with a license to build, had allowed the house to run down for a couple of decades, after, not quite finishing up building it in the first place. The inside trim for the round window on the backside of the house is still MIA.

This beige and white “elephant” at 639 Hickory Street, with the red and brown rotting trim, large holes in the siding, and a 6/12 roof with 612 holes allowing tsunamis inside whenever a cloud passed by, was habitable. I had FEMA’s word on that.  And we all know how dependable FEMA is.

“Yes,” I replied. “I’m moving in with Terri.”

Terri’s reaction to my brother’s incredulity was laughable.  She smiled. She laughed.  She moved closer to me.

Andy said in a strained voice, just before he passed out, “Doug, you’ve done stupid things before, but that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done or will ever do. What were you thinking?”

I placed smelling salts under Andy’s nose. After a while he regained his mind and we grilled a fabulous dinner of Salmon, fingerling potatoes, asparagus and onions.

The years passed, the step-daughters became friendly, the house became habitable, and the cats are still cool; albeit a bit hairy.

Terri and I smile as we look into each other’s eyes, grasp each other’s hands, and remember that day.

“So, maybe it wasn’t stupid after all,” said Terri sweetly, “to move into a dilapidated house with four women and two neutered Norwegian forest cats.”

“I agree completely,” I said.

 

Signs

The secret to being boring is to say everything. – Voltaire

This is also true when reading everything out loud. – Doug’s kids

 

My wife Terri and I noticed a strange thing walking through Times Square during one of my frequent visits to see my son Dan. My son Dan, and step-daughter Jilly, are at least ten paces ahead of us and accelerated away at an alarming speed.

Moments ago, they were in front of us, leading the way to the evening’s venue.  I still get lost, frequently; and more often when I’m in NYC. My grandpa Nichols always told me, “You’re never lost if you still have a tank full of gas.”

I’ve found this to be good advice generally, but not in NYC when I’m using mass transit, which is not as fast as Hermes, and doesn’t need me to put gas in the tank of…anything.  So, naturally, I’m lost in NYC more often than in metro Detroit.  I attribute it to not putting gas in the tank.

I continued walking, turned my head up for a moment and said, “Broadway’s biggest new hit!”

As my head went up to read the sign, I bumped into someone, heard them mutter under their breath in a sour voice, “Damn tourists.”

This interaction knocked my head in a new direction and I blurted with enthusiasm, “The Crowd goes wild–Jersey boys.”

At that point several things happened. First, the sour voice, a bit louder said, “Damn tourists, don’t even know how to walk down a sidewalk.”  For a moment I thought about retorting with some witty response to the leather-clad, pale-faced Goth-looking character; but that moment passed while I could think of nothing witty. Probably just as well. I’m pretty sure the hand signals he flashed me, indicated his compromised sense of humor due to the collision of my shoulder into his…elbow.

One of the signals the Goth proudly showed me, looked like a fist closed for punching, but with the middle finger raised.  I’m glad of that, much better than a closed fist. And then, the middle finger went down and his fist jabbed at me.

I’m a big guy, and tough, or so I thought.  I remember playing football, knocking the other players over, and having them bounce off me when they tried to knock me down.  That’s what I remember, at least. My mind still thinks that way, forty years later.  Apparently, forty years slows a fellow down, and makes him a lot less tough.  I jerked my head to the side, the jab missed, but that placed my chin in the perfect place to stop his left uppercut. The left uppercut placed my head in the perfect place to block his right cross. After that, from my vantage point of lying directly on the sidewalk, I saw mostly sky, with a few stars near my eyes.  I remember saying out loud, “Sunglass Hut, Tory Burch.”

The devilish Goth signaled his pleasure by raising his index finger and pinky as he walked down Broadway.  I let him go, not because I couldn’t have taken him, but because the sidewalk was just so damn comfortable, that I decided to lay there for a few more minutes. After a few moments, I stood up and noticed Jilly and Dan down the street about 20 paces ahead.

I ask myself, “How’d they get down there without me noticing?”  I’d turned my head for only a minute. Of course I did lie down on the sidewalk for a few minutes.

Then, I smelled chicken Teriyaki, got up off the sidewalk, and remarked, “20 years anniversary special chicken teriyaki platter, three ninety-nine.”  The relative distance between my kids and me increased like a Lamborghini dusting a smart car in a street race.  A few seconds later, Jill and Dan rounded a corner.

I fully expected to see them waiting for me when I rounded the corner a few minutes later, but they had escaped.

I never saw them again that night.

I still read signs out loud as I pass, but only when I’m alone.

To Tribeca or not to Tribeca – That is the Question

Terri and I live in the Detroit metro area, an hour away from the Detroit Metropolitan Airport, in a small town named Milford.  Our six kids live in five different states, ranging from Arizona to New York. As you may guess, we accrue frequent flyer miles.

On this trip, my son residing in Tribeca, arranged for tickets to Shakespeare in the Park with John Lithgow playing King Lear.  Terri and I planned to enjoy a very nice free trip, which included free airline tickets and free tickets to see the show. Great news, ‘cause we have no money.  We attended six weddings so far this year with one more to go.  Two of the weddings were daughters.

The time came to exercise our electrons and book our free flight using an old laptop PC.

Sitting in the comfort of our double Lazy-boy chair, with Henry the cat snuggled near my feet, a large glass of vodka with ice near my side, a nice sweet white Michigan wine in a decorative wineglass next to Terri; we settle into picking the best flight from Detroit to New York.

So far the evening could not be better.  Terri and I just returned from SmokeStreet, our favorite barbeque joint three blocks from our house, and I can still smell the wood smoke on our clothes.  Heavenly aroma…someone really should make a perfume of pig ribs and wood smoke.

Terri sips her wine and finds the perfect plane fare for us.  We can leave Detroit at eight AM, fly non-stop and arrive at LaGuardia in plenty of time to have lunch in New York City with my son. My mouth waters, Momofuku noodle bar for lunch. Yea.  As these thoughts travel through my grey matter, Terri clicks the mouse.  But wait!  That fare is no longer available for the mileage points we have, the number of miles needed for the trip just went up.  Point requirements for free tickets, like taxes; always go up at the worst of times.

Not all was lost, though, we still could book a flight from Detroit Metro to LaGuardia, but now we leave at four AM and travel to Atlanta before going to NYC.  We pack for the three day trip and decided to get a couple hours sleep, overslept, and overran our blood pressure getting to the airport.

We park the car and walk into the terminal and realize that apparently, most Detroiters prefer to travel at an ungodly hour of the day.  The terminal is packed and the baggage check-in line is out the door of a very large terminal.

As, Terri and I get in line, she says in a frustrated voice as her arms jerk slightly and her face contorts, “We aren’t going to make it.” Terri’s shoulders sag slightly.

Just then, a very large, very bald, very tough looking National Security Agent, clothed in the obligatory rent-a-cop clothes walked directly toward us, looked me in the eye and said, “If your ticket has Pre-TSA in the upper left corner, go over there.  He pointed to an area with another TSA agent and two other travelers in line.

Being singled out for the short line by a TSA agent is like being singled out to ride on the prisoner transport vehicle of Cuyahoga County, or the bus used by the Hong Kong correctional services.  In other words, it could be a problem.

My hands started trembling slightly, and not only could I see agitation on Terri’s face, her brow furrowed, her lips drawn tight, and her eyes started dripping slightly. The smell of fear wafted up from her every pore, surrounded her, and appeared to be a living thing.  Yes, officer, Terri’s fear is right over there, standing next to her, see how overwhelming it is?

Naturally, that had a bad effect on Terri’s hairdo.

Well, I checked my ticket and it had the Pre-TSA designation on it, and I looked at Terri’s ticket, it did not have the Pre-TSA.  Good for her, I thought. And then I found out that Pre-TSA is a good thing.

Pre-TSA meant pre-screened and safe, so the short line was good.  I could walk right through security in about a minute.

 

So, a thought entered my mind about the same time that Terri said, “I can’t get through the long line in time to board our plane, and I can’t go with you to the short line.”

I boldly asked the very large, very bald, very tough looking National Security Agent, “What do we do?”  I showed him our tickets, mine with the Pre-TSA and hers without the Pre-TSA in the upper left-hand corner.

The very large, very bald, very tough looking National Security Agent, asked in a voice as natural as if he were ordering coffee, “Do you want to travel with your wife?”

I thought for a minute and said, “Yes, of course.”  I received a piercing and not altogether loving look from my wife.  Apparently, my slight hesitation was not a good thing.  Really dear, it’s the early hour; my biological clock hadn’t awakened my brain yet.  It was set for waking up at eight or nine, not 3:30.  You’ve heard of the expression, “her eyes shot daggers.” Terri’s very blue eyes appeared to shoot out swords.  Long, nasty, deadly, swords, and I knew that hesitating this early in the morning was a bad thing.  I love my wife, and she knows it, but apparently sleep deprivation and slow-answering husbands don’t go together well.

Actually, the fact that the TSA agent felt it necessary to even ask that question implies that not all husband and wives like to travel together.  Kind of like my second wife, I guess.  She and I traveled extensively after she insisted that she liked to travel. We traveled by plane, car, ship, motorcycle, motorhome, and train.  She had a miserable time, every time, and then again said to me, “I like to travel.”  Taken aback completely, I realized that apparently, it was not the mode of transport that made each trip as miserable as being crowned with thorns and crucified; it was me.

I divorced her a few months after coming to that conclusion.  I spoke with her a few months ago in the normal course of business. She still travels frequently, and still insists she likes to travel; but can’t relate a single instance on any trip that wasn’t miserable.  I guess it wasn’t me after all.

After confirming again that I indeed wanted to travel with my wife, the TSA agent put both of us in the short line; which was a good thing. We were sent through the metal detector. After gathering our shoes and belts, Terri and I made our way to the gate hand-in-hand.

Moments later Terri and I boarded Southwest and flew south east, to Atlanta, Georgia.  Apparently, that’s why our ticket price went up while we were booking the flight from Detroit metro airport to LaGuardia; the airline didn’t own a globe.  Since when is Atlanta located between Detroit and NYC?  A straight line indicates, NOT.

The layover in Atlanta wasn’t bad, only about 30 minutes. The bad part of traveling to Atlanta, was the distance.  Atlanta is almost exactly the same distance away from Detroit as Detroit is from NYC.  The flight from Atlanta to NYC is almost the same distance as Detroit to NYC.  So, we flew a triangle pattern and twice as far as necessary.  We also spent twice as much time as necessary on the plane, and didn’t even get mileage points because it was a trip booked with mileage points. I’m starting to get too old for these free trips.

Although we had a great time with my son Dan and his partner Juan, we didn’t make it to NYC in time to go to Momofuku’s noodle bar for lunch. We did, however, eat dinner at a very nice Indian restaurant; the Tamarind – Tribeca.  We gorged ourselves on lamb, chicken, fried cauliflower, and numerous other delicacies with names I can’t spell or pronounce. Suffice it to say that their preparation of food, with those most interesting of spices, proved to me that civilization began in the Indus valley.

The flight home took us to Chicago before arriving at Detroit.  This confirms my belief that airline tickets could be much cheaper if the airlines understood geography, or invested in a globe so they could get from point A, to point B, without going through point C.

Humor Class

Why write comedy?
I’m probably far too normal and boring to be a comic writer, but I like to laugh; and that’s a start. Of course, some “normal” people make great comics and writers. People such as Bob Newhart, Jerry Seinfeld, Jeff Foxworthy, and Bill Engvall come to mind. I’m not as “normal” as those people, but maybe I can learn to write something funny.
Bob Newhart said comics are self-absorbed; and I think I can do that part; the self-absorbed part. Are you still reading? I don’t really care because I’m working on being self-absorbed. Really, I just laughed. Did you? Maybe I need to work on being more self-absorbed after all.
Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it; at least until I can come up with something better.

First Kill, Frank’s Story

My arrival in Viet Nam was not what I expected.  My rank as corporal came with the responsibility of leading men into battle.  During the eight-hour flight from Japan to Viet Nam, I mentally prepared myself for combat and was ready to fight my way off the C-140 Hercules when it touched down in Chu Lai.  Most of the men slept during the trip, somehow impervious to the dangers that lay ahead.  Upon deplaning in Chu Lai I was somewhat disappointed to find that the only enemy in sight was a tough old gunnery sergeant ordering us into formation.  Amazingly even deep in a battle zone, the Marine Corps could locate a broken-down, pot-bellied, red-nosed old bum to promote to gunnery sergeant.  But there stood Gunny, barking commands just like a real leader of men.  To him my rank of corporal meant nothing.  To Gunny I was no different from the rest of the men, I was just another boot.

The steam-room climate, an enemy as merciless as Gunny, began to rust my rifle and bayonet before my eyes.  Sweat immediately stained my freshly dyed, green combat uniform.  Gunny marched us to the hootches that were our new living quarters.   I said to Thornton, “At least the sun goes down at night.  Gunny probably never rests.”    The beauty of the area surrounding our hootches distracted me momentarily from the rolls of barbed wire stretching in each direction.  Never before had I seen such unbelievable shades of green.  The mountain range served as an acoustical curtain for the deep blue ocean, which noisily washed miles and miles of pure, white sand.   The barbed wire defensive emplacements put things back into perspective.  I was just one of a bunch of little green men marching through fantastically abrasive sand.  The pure, white, and beautiful sand worked its way through my green jungle boots and continued through my green jungle shorts to reach the crack of my ass.

We finally reached the hootches where we would stow our gear and sleep, and were dismissed, for the moment, but the gunny in his best bad-ass voice.  I dropped my sea bag in one of these buildings, which was really nothing more than a tent with a wooden floor, and rifle in hand went looking for the truck which had brought the rest of my equipment from the plane.  Most of my buddies had sent their valuables home, but I was too confidant a warrior to enter a battle zone without a few of the comforts of life.  I found the boxes containing my stereo tape recorder and speakers and carefully carried them back to the tent.  It was at this precise moment that I made a most important discovery.  There were no electrical outlets in my tent.   There also were no sheets, pillows, hot water, toilets, refrigerators, or any other of the niceties of civilization; not even a PX (post exchange).

Then it dawned on me that I was not a tourist.  I was going to remain here for thirteen months, surviving with only those few things I had brought from Japan.  The panic I felt from the lack of civilized comforts, I could also see in the faces of the men with whom I shared these unpleasant quarters.

So with my natural optimism to guide me, I unpacked my stereo gear and hooked it up to the portable battery I wisely brought along.   After all the Marines hand-picked me, Frank Wettegren,  for a leadership role.  Corporal Wettegren remained undaunted and in a matter of minutes, the silky sweet voices of Diana Ross and the Supremes attracted a crowd around my tent.  Music lifted the gloom from the men’s faces and transformed them into the happy faces seen in the many bars and whorehouse of Iwakuni.

As if to remind us that these experiences were now only a part of our memories, Sergeant Rauser walked through my tent flap.    Sgt. Rauser missed Iwakuni and its 147 bars more than any of us because of the pleasures of his lady Sumiko whom he shacked up with on Iwakuni, but he had spent his life as a gung-ho Marine preparing for,  and engaging in, war.  So Sgt. Rauser came back for his second tour in the Nam and no buck corporal was going to steal his scenes.  He reminded me of a Marine Corps poster I had seen in my youth, dressed in his saltiest combat fatigues, every metal insignia and ornament carefully dulled with flat black paint so as not to present a reflecting target in the sun.  A 45 caliber handgun strapped to his side and day-old stubble accenting the squareness of his jaw was definitely not the same Sgt. Rauser I met in Japan a week ago crawling through a benjo ditch in a drunken stupor.    A benjo ditch is an above ground sewer which transports all the waste and filth of the city to the Sea of Japan.

Sgt. Rauser’s shack-job deposited him in one of these vile smelling ditches in the hope that he, too, would reach the purifying ocean.  Sgt. Rauser was not crying now, as he had been then, about how the bitch had to get rid of him now that he was going back to the Nam, how she had already taken up with a sailor fresh from the States with a wallet full of personality chits.  His head was not covered now with the intestinal scum of several Iwakuni residents, but with a camouflaged helmet, chinstrap firmly in place.  His eyes were clear and hard today as Sgt. Rauser instructed me to turn off the recorder.  He was the marine leader now, so we quickly followed him outside where he began to brief us.  I didn’t pay much attention until he got to the part about how every morning for the past three days several Marines got their throats slit while they slept.  I can still recall his exact words, “Gentlemen, Chu Lai has a night visitor and he isn’t the sandman.  Be on the lookout tonight, and rest if you want, but remember the enemy never rests.”

I don’t remember much about the next few days except that we spent the light hours setting up our flight line and its associated maintenance shacks in anticipation of the arrival of our new planes.  The CB’s built revetments which are large metal rectangles filled with concrete and sand to protect our planes from enemy fire.  This excited me because it meant our birds couldn’t be far behind and I was anxious to get to work.

During the nights I laid awake fully dressed for battle with one hand on my rifle and the other covering my throat.  Several times large black rats tried to share my tent and scared the hell out of me.  Aside from that, I didn’t hear artillery fire, rifle fire, or choppers beating the night air with their blades.  I heard only an occasional curse from someone stubbing his toe on the way to the 55 gallon drums we cut in half to form our john.

The fifth day I remember particularly well.  On this day our planes flew in from DaNang.  We carefully tucked each one between the revetments and made them ready for the first of their many missions over the Nam in the morning.  It was also on this day that two Viet Cong had been discovered hiding in the water buffalo.  A water buffalo is a mobile tank with spigots that holds several hundred gallons of water fro drinking and personal hygiene in the field.  I had drunk the water from this tank every day since my arrival, had brushed my teeth there with my finger because I used my toothbrush to clean sand from my rifle in case those bastards tried to cut my throat.  I had not yet learned to use it as a cleaning tool for my rifle and my teeth that would come later.  I was greatly relieved to know that our uninvited guests had been caught, but even now I remember the revulsion I felt in the pit of my stomach when I saw the brown deposits these two had left in the bottom of the tank during their week of hiding.  No wonder the water tasted so strange.  And I thought it was the purification tablets.

We had been told on the fifth day to expect a practice alert during the night.  When we heard the siren go off we were to evacuate the tents and man the foxholes surrounding our area.  I remember kicking a little sand into the foxhole outside my tent as I returned from the flight line that night, thinking to myself what a pain in the ass this drill would be.  Four nights in a row with only the shallowest of sleep while waiting for someone to try to slit my throat and now when they finally catch those bastards, we still don’t get a whole night’s rest.

I wrote to my parents that night and told them not to worry.  There was no war here; it was all a big hoax to bolster the economy.  I wrote how I actually felt safer here than in Japan, away from all the booze and broads.  To get a laugh, I told them how we had painted a big bull’s-eye on our tent.  It seems odd now, that they never asked later why I didn’t write again for so long after this letter.  I guess in their wisdom as parents they understood.

Well, hell with the drill, Corporal Wettergren would get some rest tonight.  I put some Johnny Mathis on the recorder and placed my earphones on my head so the drill siren wouldn’t disturb me too much.  I lay on my cot thinking of my girl back home, trying hard as a good Marine not to feel sorry for myself.  I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, someone was shaking the hell out of my legs.  It was Thornton, yelling at me through my headset.  Old Johnny was halfway through the Twelfth of Never and old Thorton kept screaming, “We’re gettin hit.  We’re getting hit.”  It was difficult for me at that moment to understand either of them.  I vaguely remember telling Thornton it was just a drill.  As Thorton disappeared through the tent flap he yelled, “Oh no it ain’t”

It only took one mortar round to convince me he was right.  The mortar sounded different than the one in infantry training because it had something additional on the end of it, the sound of shrapnel ripping through canvas.  Thornton displayed great courage in leaving his foxhole when he remembered me still asleep, but not so much courage as to let me beat him back to the foxhole.  I jumped into the hole just as the next round slammed in front of me somewhere.  To my horror I discovered I was resting on several squirming bodies whose mass prevented me from completely submerging my own body below ground level.  I kicked and dug, but always some part of me was exposed to the hot metal ripping through the tents and trees.

Then above the muffled and garbled voices below me, I heard someone crying.  It was coming from a nude and skinny body crawling along the side of my tent in the darkness looking for a place to hide.  I grabbed his leg and pulled him toward me.  To him I meant protection and he wasted no time burrowing in under me.  He buried his head in my left armpit and clamped his arms around my waist.  Now my entire head and shoulders were out of the hole and as tightly as my hands covered my face, I could still see the flash from each new explosion.  Every time a round would land, the man holding me would scream for his mother and squeeze the air out of my lungs.

As the mortars landed every closer my fear grew.  I remember thinking how badly I didn’t want to die this way, without even seeing my enemy, when suddenly between explosions, I heard him.  The enemy was out there, nervously clinking the mortars around before dropping them down the tube.  Next came the small explosions as the rounds fired…thunk, thunk, thunk, and then while waiting for them to hit the ground I heard men in foxholes praying to their respective Supreme beings as clearly as if I were sitting in a church at home.  The enemy was real.  I could hear him.  I knew where he was.  All at once I was grateful that I was not as scared as the miserable bastard clinging to me.

Just then, the first and second of those three mortar rounds hit the road about thirty feet in front of me and I remember telling myself out loud that a round would have to land right in the hole to kill me.  The third round hit dead center on my tent a few feet away.  My self delusions proved correct this time I thought as I regained consciousness outside the foxhole, face down in the sand.  For a long time it seemed as if none of my senses were operating correctly, save the sense of taste.  I tasted blood in my mouth, but before I could discover why it was there, someone picked me up and handed me a rifle.  “The gooks are coming through the perimeter,” he said, “They’re blowing up our planes with satchel charges.  Get your butt down to the flight line and try to stay alive.”  I recognized the voice of Sgt. Rauser, but it sounded so fast and excited that for a second I almost laughed.

Instinctively I clutched the M-14 to my chest and started after the one or two men I could see running in the darkness.  I was relieved to find I felt no pain anywhere and that my arms and legs were where they belonged.  When I reached the crest of the hill behind our flight line, I was surprised at the activity going on down there.  Men were appearing out of holes in the ground, running like they were mad, and then disappearing into new holes.  They seemed to be moving against their will, forced to keep pace with the painfully slow cadence set by the blast from each new missile dropping from the sky.  Many fires were already burning.  I heard screaming.  It might have been my own.

My reaction scared me.  It seemed automatic.  I spotted a row of new Skyhawks down near the fuel pits, and I felt compelled to go there.  Before I was halfway down the hill the thought occurred to me that it was stupid to go charging into an area as volatile as the fuel pits with nothing more than a rifle and one clip of ammo, but some powerful momentum had already carried me to the bottom of the hill.

In a crouch, I ran to the nearest revetment and hit the deck just as a plane close by erupted into flames.  I hugged the revetment wall and looked for the guy I had felt behind me coming down the hill.  I was terrified to find he was gone and that I was alone.  I decided to crawl to the other end of the wall.  When I was about five feet from the corner, I stood up and looked behind me.  Again, no one was there.  As I turned back, my heart jumped to my throat and I nearly dropped my rifle.  The enemy was there loaded with bags of explosives.  I must have scared the shit out of him too, because he yelled something I didn’t understand, dropped his bags, and took off running.  I tried to tell him to halt, but the sounds coming from my throat were not words.  The plane was in my line of fire, so I moved out behind it to get off a shot at the running man.  As I raised my rifle up to my shoulder, I got nailed from behind from the running man’s buddy.

I heard him coming a second too late to avoid being hit by his rifle butt, which glanced off the side of my head.  I didn’t go down, but lost hold of my M-14 and it clattered as it hit the steel matting of the runway.  I wheeled around just in time to grab my enemy’s rifle barrel with my left hand and pushed it aside as it went off.  As the rifle fired, I let go for an instant, but grabbed it again near the receiver.  My enemy kept jerking backwards trying to get free as I fumbled desperately for my bayonet with my other hand.  But I couldn’t get the bayonet out of the scabbard and stay away from the muzzle of the rifle at the same time.  Suddenly, my enemy gave up jerking and started chopping my left arm with his free hand.  I knew I couldn’t hold on much longer and grabbed again for the bayonet, but this time my hand came up with a screwdriver I had unknowingly left in my back pocket.

I rammed it at his face as hard as I could.  It hit the left side of his nose, deflected off through his eye and didn’t stop until it hit the inside of his skull.  As he fell, the weight of his body pulled the screwdriver handle from my grip, and when he hit the ground, his head turned sideways facing me.  My enemy stayed that way, he did not move as I expected him to.  He did not make the noises I had been told men make when they die.  He just lay there, resting on the screwdriver.  I rolled him over and tried to pull it from his face.  For some horrible reason, it did not come out.  I let it go and his head bounced on the steel matting.  I wanted to puke and I anted to cry, but could do neither.  My ears were ringing so loudly I covered them with my hands.

Later, someone found me sitting there and took me to where the wounded were being treated.  A corpsman bandaged my head and wrote my name on a long list.  “You’ll get a purple heart for this,” he said.

I said, “I don’t want a fucking purple heart.”   As I walked away, the corpsman muttered something about crazy-ass Marines.

The sun started rising and it was almost light out by the time I reached my unit.  A guy came running over and apologized for the way he had behaved in the foxhole.  I told him I had already forgotten it.  He left.  I got to what remained of my tent and sat on an ammo can while I looked at the mountains.  They seemed closer somehow.

Thornton and another guy were already digging a deeper fox hole.  A little time passed, and then Sgt. Rauser, looking quite unrested, walked slowly up to me with something in his hand.  It was my screwdriver.  “Here boy,” he said, “I found this sticking in a dead gook on the flight line.  Good thing your initials were on the handle.  By the way, you know it’s against the regs to deface government property.” He laughed.  I said nothing.

 

This account was written by Frank Wettegren.  I received a copy of this in 1985 and revised in 2004.

 

A College Student Learns About a License

The bartender looked at the license the college student gave him.

The bartender mixed a drink and then examined the license, “That’s me,” he said.

bartender

“That’s me,” said the college student.

“No, that’s me,” said the bartender. “I had my license stolen two weeks ago.”

The young college student didn’t ask for the license back, but hastily ran out of the bar.

A few minutes later, the police arrived, and talked to the bartender.

The college student was long gone.